Harper's Yearly Review
Harper's Magazine 31dec2005
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Mindfully.org
note:
Mindfully.org hereby declares 2005 the year of the completely ignorant and
gullible American citizen. Your government has pulled the wool over pretty
much every person who claims Republican, Democrat, Green, Red or any other
party affiliation at any particular time during the known past. Plans are
now being made regarding yet more unbelievable liberal and/or conservative
fantasies for you in the coming days of 2006. If you want to maintain a
strong American status quo throughout the world, stay glued to your TVs,
radios and newspapers for details. . . coming soon from your
president. Be sure not to question anything he tells you. Everything is
OK. The future looks rosy. Buy lots more stuff — your choice —
to keep the economy rolling. Go deeper into debt by taking an equity loan
on your house and applying for several credit cards. Take up useful habits
like smoking and/or drinking. Get bigger, more powerful cars — maybe
a Hummer — with rich Corinthian leather upholstery and go for joy
rides. Leave all the lights in your home turned on around the
clock. We'll show those terrorists. Eat sandwiches made of bologna and
mayo on white bread. Dress in synthetic clothing and use lots of makeup.
Make all of your purchases at Wal-Mart (or similarly cheesy places that
treat their workers like dirt). It's the American way!
Happy
New Year! |
The number of people killed by the Indian Ocean tsunami rose to 230,000. A
study showed that 310,000 Europeans die from air pollution each year, and the
U.N. predicted that 90 million Africans will have HIV by 2025. An international
task force of scientists, politicians, and business leaders warned that the
world has about 10 years before global warming becomes irreversible. The U.S.
Congress officially ratified President George W. Bush's election victory after a
two-hour debate over voting irregularities in Ohio. Terri Schiavo, Johnnie
Cochran, Frank Perdue, Mitch Hedberg, Arthur Miller, Saul Bellow, and the pope
died, as did the man who wrote the theme song to "Gidget." An
Australian tortoise named Harriet turned 175. General Motors was spending more
for health care than for steel, and an increasing number of Americans were
heating their homes with corn. El Salvadoran police arrested 21 people for
operating a smuggling operation and seized 24 tons of contraband cheese. NASA
announced that it wanted to return to the moon.
A study found that the worldwide percentage of land stricken by drought has
doubled within the last 30 years. The Jordan River was filled with sewage, and
the last of Gaza's Jewish settlers left their homes on armored buses. Terrorists
in London set off bombs on four trains and a bus, killing 52 people; President
Bush condemned attacks on innocent folks by those with evil in their hearts. A
13-year-old boy in Kalamazoo accidentally burned down the family meth lab. New
Orleans flooded after levees broke in the wake of Hurricane Katrina; many
evacuees were not allowed to take their pets with them. "Snowball!"
cried a little boy after police took away his dog. "Snowball!" At
least 42,000 people died in an earthquake in Pakistan. It was announced that
Cookie Monster would cut back on cookies. Authorities in Malaysia arrested 58
people who worship a giant teapot. Poor people rioted in France.
In North Carolina Kenneth Boyd became the 1,000th prisoner executed since the
United States reintroduced the death penalty in 1976. A 1,600-inmate faith-based
prison opened in Crawfordville, Florida. Police began random bag checks of
subway passengers in New York City. It was revealed that the CIA had set up a
secret system of prisons, called "black sites," around the world; it
was also revealed that the National Security Agency was spying on Americans
without first obtaining warrants. Journalist Judith Miller was released from
jail and said she wanted to hug her dog. U.S. Congressman Tom DeLay was
arrested; U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff I. Lewis
"Scooter" Libby was indicted. The Pentagon admitted to using white
phosphorus during the 2004 attack on Fallujah, Iraq, and allocated $127 billion
to build a robot army. The total number of American soldiers killed in the Iraq
war rose to 2,174, while the total number of Iraqi civilians killed rose to
27,636. "We are all waiting for death," said an Iraqi soldier,
"like the moon waiting for sunset." The U.S. Defense Department, in
violation of the federal Privacy Act, was building a database of 30 million 16-
to 25-year-olds. The Department of Homeland Security announced that it had
wasted a great deal of money and needed much more. Starbucks came to Guantanamo
Bay. Scientists began work on a complete, molecule-level computer simulation of
the human brain. The project will take at least ten years.
—Paul Ford
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