Bush Wants $25 Billion: Congress Says Whatever 

JILL DeWINE / Pepper Spray Times 1jun04

Congress, shocked and stiffened by the sight of thousands of Iraqi prisoner abuse photos, offered no objection to giving President Bush $25 billion in additional funds to track down those pesky weapons of mass destruction, find more fashionable headgear for Iraqi detainees, and hire design consultants to find a better flag design for the new, improved Iraqi interim authority.

"I'll give $50 billion, I'll give $100 billion," Senator John McCain, Republican, told Pentagon officials at a recent hearing. "Just make sure they make up a better story next time."

Senator Lindsey Graham, a Republican from South Carolina and a loyal supporter of the Bush administration, stated that "the Congress has an independent duty to find out what happened in that prison," indicating the misconduct at Abu Ghraib. "Barring that, we should at least try to look presentable at the televised hearings."

House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of San Francisco suggested that the Bush administration was low-balling the real cost of continuing military campaign until after the election.

"I've done extensive kitchen remodeling," commented Pelosi. "They're asking for about a third of what they really need."

Election challenger Senator John Kerry expressed dismay over the "sickening" nature of the photos displayed on Capitol Hill.

"Those pictures do not represent soldiers, and they do not represent the armed forces of the United States, said Kerry. "They do not represent the talented American internet porn industry.

The American people appeared to weather the scandal unfazed, telling a Pew Research Center poll that the war "was not going well" but adding that they would love another tax cut and one of those little IPod systems.

"We're not the experts," explained one Bart communter backed up against the train wall by the local canine patrol. "We don't read the newspapers, either. We'd just love it if the trains would run on time." Department of Defense deputy Paul Wolfowitz broke ranks with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld over the Iraqi prisoner abuses, calling them "inhumane", but agreed that the photos themselves represent nothing at all.

"We learned this in the Rodney King trial," he explained. "Once the initial shock is over and people have the rules explained to them, they're usually willing to accept an expert's opinion. Remember that we're the ones who brought you the invisible weapons of mass destruction. We're considered experts on these existential issues."