Genetically Engineered Plastic Trees
Result in Merger of Historic Proportion:
The Birth of McDough Corporation^{®
Genetically Engineered Plastic Tree News Summer 2000}

In a ceremony held at the FDA^™ (FDA and EPA are trade marks of the McDough Corporation) Washington DC headquarters, a wide-ranging gathering of corporations announced the world’s largest merger and most astounding scientific accomplishment. Through a publicly funded genetic engineering study at UC Davis, several species of plastic trees have been produced.

‘McDough Uber Al!’

The commercial rights to the genetically engineered plastic trees were ceremoniously presented to Ronald McDough, the president and CEO of the newly formed McDough Corporation (photo below). In his acceptance address to tens of thousands of people at this gala event he said, "As the head of the McDough Corporation I am proud to accept the rights to this discovery that proves man’s superiority over nature. Along with the merger of the world’s most diverse group of corporations, the commercial potential of this new discovery is limitless. We, the people of McDough Corporation, now have the combination of dynamic product, forward-looking talent, and endless revenue that is unstoppable." On that note of enthusiasm the congregation roared with approval, raising their right hands while, at the same time, clicking their heals together in a massive show of support, and waving red and white banners proclaiming ‘McDough Over All!’

This merger has caused a wave of change throughout industry and government. Dan Klickman, the past chairman of the USDA, is on the board of directors and has been replaced by Robert Schlapiro, who had been with Monsanto. Carol Bucker Horeman will be McDough’s president of Consumer Affairs Department and a board member when she has completed her present assignment representing the US on a transnational committee set up to avoid a trade war with the EU over genetically engineered foods.

Last Wednesday C. Effortt Goop, now head of the EPA^™ and McDough board member, made a statement to the press in response to environmentalists claim that genetically engineered plastic trees (GEP) will destroy what is left of the World’s diversity. "There is absolutely no difference between McDough’s GEP trees and those created by almighty God." He continued by adding that no pesticides of any kind are needed during the ‘life’ of GET, as no known species of virus, mold, insect, or animal is capable of damaging them.

To solve the problem of shelter for creatures that normally make their homes in non-GEP trees such as insects, the shrewd scientists at McDough have come up with a polystyrene variant on the GEP tree that allows the insects to bore holes deep into the wood. And to defuse criticism from environmentalists that GEP trees harm beneficial organisms. Through careful research, it has been calculated that one of these low-density foam GEP trees is required for every 155 normal GEP trees to maintain a minimal population of beneficial insects that will keep them from going extinct. The polystyrene GEP trees would be sacrificed.

To get an idea of what this new wood looks and feels like we had a professional woodsman cut one down. At only one year old, this sample already measured more than three feet in diameter. Its cross-section has the same look as a non-GEP tree, with bark, growth rings (one per week), and sap. The feel is more like Formica, hard and slick, and the smell is also nothing like non-GEP wood, it is more like gas from an open septic tank. But as McDough’s president, Dan Klickman says, "It smells and feels like money – lots of it!"

Swiss professor Ingo Potrykus, the inventor of golden rice, is extremely interested in the GEP technology, said "Think about what this will do for the shelf life of my rice. Who cares if it's not possible to eat enough of the stuff to get the MDR of vitamin A? It could have an infinite shelf life and packaging would be minimal because nothing causes its degradation except UV. This is a very exciting time to be a genetic engineer." We couldn’t agree more with him, there’s no telling what will come next. What more proof could there be that man is superiority to nature? 

Catherené Lasagna & Mik Revlon of the NRDC were both ecstatic about the economic potential for this new life form. Both have heavily invested in McDough since Klickman met with them personally over lunch at an undisclosed restaurant in a very sheik section of Westport, CT. "Oh, I can see those dollar signs in the form of McDough trees everywhere I look," said Catherené. And Mik echoed her jubilation at the thought of what intellectual property rights have done for them. "I don't care if this means that millions will do without that silly voodoo medicine because of McDough's patent."

McDough Bored of Directors

back row: Dan Klickman, C. Effortt Goop, Stephen Zafe, Carol Bucker Horeman
front row: Bob Schlapiro, Ronald McDough, President and CEO, and Frank Ennstein

Disclaimer no.35001
This article is total fiction.
Any likeness to people known or unknown is completely coincidental.
In spite of the fact that the NRDC thinks of themselves as sleuths, even they would be hard pressed to think this is real !

The Secret Life of AAA The Roadside Helper Has an Agenda You May Not Know About  - TomPaine.Common Sense November 21, 2000